endings, i’m not a huge fan of endings. i rarely get to the endings, in the midst of being so excited for the beginnings, i forget things have to always end. i forget how hard endings are supposed to be, i forget how things end so new things can come into your life. I’m scared of endings. when the tunnel ends, which way are you supposed to go. when your eyes are still blurry from all the darkness, how’re you supposed to take all the light in. i make this little home in my routine, my day to day activities. it means that things are going as they should, you have something to hold onto in all the chaos. what’re you supposed to do when it ends, when a part of your day ends. how’re you supposed to get normalcy back in your day.
but i also forget how endings are beautiful, about how sunsets make for a perfect culmination to the day. about how sometimes, it’s okay to stay in a little darkness. about how sometimes not knowing what to do next is okay.

things I hope for you

you always remain kind and pure, this world doesn’t let its evil creep in through the cracks in your heart. i hope this world makes you happy at every turn and you do the same for the people in your life. that you always have a reason to be kind. that you never sleep without knowing you’re loved and cared for. that you keep giving to the world even when it feels like a black hole is sucking everything inside. that you always have a home to come back to, a person you call home, the feeling you call home. i hope this world always inspires you to do better, to be better. that you never feel you aren’t enough. that you go back to bed knowing you can make mountains move by the power of your love.

Instructions on how to string an apology

realize you’re wrong, that sometimes you can be wrong too, sometimes you could be the cause of someone’s unhappiness too.
wrap them up in a blanket, take them to their happy place, tell them how sorry you’re, tell them you didn’t mean to hurt them, tell them you won’t repeat it

now that you have told them so much, tell all that to yourself too, tell yourself that you’re a human who makes mistakes and you can sometimes take them back through apologies.
make a note in your diary about where you went wrong, remember not to take that lane again. remember to keep your promises.
after all this, let them feel. let them grieve for your actions, they can’t easily forget it. there’s no erase button. ask them what else you can do, ask them if you could just sit next to them. respect whatever they say.

i have this huge fear of being abandoned on an island and nobody coming back for me. everyone just went on with their lives without batting an eye, like i was erased from everyone’s brains. suddenly i didn’t exist. i keep telling my people one day i’ll be lost, so lost that i won’t be able to come crawling to them, so lost that maybe they won’t even recognize me. i keep asking them to promise me that when that day comes, they’ll fight for me. they’ll make sure i’m never left on that island. that I never step foot on that island. i always imagine myself being in this corner, unable to move. all of my people just there, doing nothing. not even trying to get me out of there. just watching. as if i deserve it. i don’t know where this fear comes from, but i do know i feel lost and vulnerable.

What’s your dream day like, not your house or your car or your job. Your dream day, one day full of magic and fairy dust, which doesn’t need to make sense. It could start at night and end with you going back to sleep in the day. You wake up at 10pm, on a Friday night. With your person by your side. Go for a night swim, under the stars, and come back home. Get dressed, or maybe not. Leave with the chlorine hair and your clothes with the fragrance of chlorine. You go to the museum, watch stars from the telescope, the world is just slowly waking up at midnight. The number of people slightly increasing on the roads on your way back home. You plan to go to work late. It’s okay to be a bit late when you both run the company. You pop in a coffee shop on your way, it’s quiet. You decide to stay for a while, read your books. Then finally, after a lot more convincing from your person, decide to leave. Get dressed for work, only to be surprised by such wonderful stationery at your desk. Stationery is better than flowers, especially yellow diaries and green pens. It’s a beautiful day at work, you’re working, but you’re happy. It’s the busiest day in so long but you love the rush. So many calls and emails and barely having any time to pass on a smile to your partner. You both decide to stop in for a light breakfast, pancakes seem perfect. And when you’re so high on Nutella, finally reach home to just crash on the bed, both of you.

I tell you I’m studying maths,
and you look at me with awe
or disgust maybe
I’m studying maths to make sense of all the things which don’t make sense anymore
logic and reasoning is the only thing keeping me sane
only thing keeping me from running to a forest and living there
animals make a lot more sense than humans
humans are too blinded at times
considering we’re the species with the highest intellect, we don’t act like it most times

I don’t do feelings, or maybe I can’t
logic is my safe space
my means to holding myself together
my means to understanding this world a bit better
so when people are disillusioned in love
I’m trying to bring some sense into them,
shaking them from head to toe
making sure they know how stupid they’re being

I thrive on reasons, I feel the need to question everything
my mom calls me crazy, I tell her she should be like the bournvita mom
trying to find answers to all my questions
I’m grateful to google and ted for trying to answer most of them
but I still need someone to question the world with me
someone who’s lost without logic
but not doing maths, I like physics better

I don’t know why
but I love to keep these certain traditions and rituals
it won’t mean a lot to people
and some of them are just in my mind, maybe
but they are just there
like watching all marvel movies with my brother
or using a particular word or phrase only with this one person
or always going to a certain spot with a particular person
I make these spots for different people
you probably have a place reserved for you too, the one I remember you by
I don’t know if it’s healthy
but it’s just, everything somehow has a sentimental value to me
like a piece of paper you scribbled on, in sixth grade
or a toy airplane you joked about being my birthday gift, I have that too
there’s this whole box of stuff I have
including all the cards I have ever gotten
there aren’t many, but they all mean the world to me
my dad wrote a letter apologizing to me once, that’s probably the closest to me
because he rarely apologizes now
he rarely thinks he was wrong
so one day, maybe I’ll show it to him
tell him how much he has actually changed
I know it seems a bit stupid
that’s not how you’re supposed to remember people by
but it’s just easy to associate them with something tangible
makes it easier to let them go too

close your eyes and think of your happiest memory
don’t tell about it to people
keep it close to your heart because the more you tell people about it
the more it loses it’s value
so take that memory and lock it inside a safe
put airtight packing over it
don’t let it get polluted
and if ever, something unforseen happens
something you feel you won’t ever be able to come out of
take it out carefully
unravel it bit by bit
the pure memory which was far away from everyone for it to be tinkered with
and, let it make you feel better
and after that memory has done it’s part
let it go, let it be free

It takes 21 days to make a habit
so for 21 days please try to carve out happiness in the most monotonous things
for 21 days keep pouring love on yourself, let it overflow for once
Let yourself be drenched in it, like the first rain of the season
for 21 days, take care of yourself like you’re your own kid
for 21 days, look up at the sky everyday
and let the clouds make your heart full
and after 21 days are over
you’ll be happier and kinder to yourself
you’ll let yourself make mistakes and take chances
you’ll let yourself live your life
you’ll let yourself be happy

8 hugs a day like 8 glasses of water

we need atleast 8 hugs a day
So when you’re leaving home for college, hug your mom
and wish her a good day too
because why not
when you’re meeting your friends early in the morning, hug them too
it’ll help in surviving the first lecture
hugs boost oxytocin levels
which reduces feelings of anger, isolation and loneliness
so hug your grandparents, they feel a lot lonely these days
cover up for all the hugs they missed when you meet them next
hug your sibling, when he’s annoying you
or you, him
hug him when you’re proud of him
hug him when he’s angry
even when he’s mad at you
hugs strengthen the immune system
so tell your dad that while hugging him
hold on for a little longer
especially when he comes home tired from work
hugs relaxes tension, so the next time you see someone who’s nervous
hug them before entering the exam hall,
hug them before the results are going to be announced
hug them before important announcements

remember,
8 hugs a day like 8 glasses of water